Searching
by elfgirl43
Summary: 4 times Iruka looked for Kakashi and 1 time he didn't. Ch2: 4 times Kakashi didn't talk to Iruka and 1 time he couldn't stop himself. Ch3: 4 times Iruka cried and 1 time he couldn't. Ch4: 4 times Kakashi decided someone was crazy and 1 time he didn't mind
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Believe me if I owned Naruto It would be a lot steamier but alas that is not so.

Authour's Note: I was trying to write a paper for school and this story just wouldn't leave me alone till i wrote it. Part 2 is written and should be up shortly. Also both parts are un-betaed for I apologize for any mistakes.

Searching Part 1

-4

Iruka will always remember it as the first time he talked to Kakashi. They both know that it isn't actually the first of course. The two had talked countless times at the mission desk. They both decide though, that those times don't really count because all the words exchanged were completely necessary. The day the Iruka decides he must go find Kakashi is almost exactly a month from the day that Kakashi had announced that his Genin team would be participating in the Chunin exam. For a while now Iruka has been feeling guilty about his outburst on the matter and for not having more faith in his students. More then that though, he felt bad about implying that Kakashi didn't know his students abilities. Or even worse that he didn't care if they weren't ready. So after a month he decides that it is time to track down Kakashi and apologize.

He finally finds Kakashi resting in a tree, head buried in his favorite book. Iruka almost turns around right then. He is not sure that a school teacher should be seen talking to a person that reads stuff like that in public. After making sure that there is no one around, he sighs and decides to get it over with. Kakashi is surprisingly nice about the whole thing. He tells Iruka not to worry about it, that he wasn't offended, and goes back to reading his book. He of course completely ignores the fact that Iruka is still standing there. Iruka leaves unsure if he feels any better.

-3

The second time Iruka goes looking for Kakashi, for a personal reason, is three months after Naruto has left the village with Master Jiraiya. He has not heard a word from Naruto and it is really starting to worry him. He has of course asked the Hokage but she merely told him that he worries too much and that he should relax. Iruka hardly finds her assessment reassuring. He knows that if there is any other person in the village who might have heard anything about Naruto it will be Kakashi.

As it turns out he really doesn't have to go look for Kakashi. Right at the end of his shift at the mission desk, the copy-nin wonders into the room, late report in hand. Iruka is so excited by the turn of events he throws Kakashi's late report on the stack without even scolding him for the coffee stain.

-2

The next time he seeks out Kakashi is because Sakura asked him to. Well that is not quite accurate. She didn't exactly ask him to but after their conversation, how could he not? Since she has taken up training with Tsunade-Sama, Kakashi has once again taken to embarking on most of his missions alone. Sakura was worried that her former sensei is spending too much time alone. Iruka used his most reassuring tone when said that he is sure Kakashi would be fine. She still didn't look convinced even when he added that she didn't need to worry. Of course after that, he really does feel obligated to make sure that he didn't just lie to Sakura and so he sets off to find Kakashi.

Once again luck is on his side and he sees Kakashi walking in the street a sort time later. He stops Kakashi using the excuse of Naruto to strike up a conversation. Kakashi still hasn't heard anything from Naruto. He assures Iruka that if he does he will pass the information along right away, as they agreed the last time that Iruka asked. Kakashi is sure this should end the conversation and is somewhat perplexed as to how ten minutes later he and Iruka are sitting having Ramen. When voices his thoughts out loud Iruka states that it is in honor of Naruto, of course.

-1

Iruka is worried. In the last few months that they have been having these dinners Kakashi has never missed one. Surprisingly, he is never more then a half hour late after the first few times. Now he is two hours late. Iruka tries not to worry for the first hour because Kakashi has been out of the village on a mission so might just be running a bit late. When the second hour begins Iruka can't stop the worry. When the second hour ends Iruka can't sit still anymore. He knows that the first thing he has to do is find out if Kakashi has come back to the Village yet, so he heads for the gate. When he is told that Kakashi came back an hour ago he feels a bit of the tension drain out of him. However it comes right back when he hears that Kakashi was in rough shape and went to the hospital.

He waits all night in the hospital room for Kakashi to wake up even though the doctor insists that Kakashi will be just fine but will sleep though the night. When Kakashi finally does wake up Iruka can't stop the rant that ensues. Apparently Kakashi can however, because almost twenty minutes into the rant he does. Iruka has leaned in close to make a point when all of the sudden the sheet which has been firmly covering the bottom half of Kakashi's face disappears. Iruka doesn't even really have time to register this before Kakashi's lips are on his. Iruka thinks he ought to be very miffed that Kakashi is interrupting his very important point. He is about to pull back and say as much when suddenly tongues appear in the mix. Iruka then promptly forgets everything, including that he is mad, as the kiss deepens.

+1

Iruka decides while seething that this time he won't go look for Kakashi. The fact that he has no Idea what happened only makes him angrier. Well he does know what happened, sort of. He knows how it started at least. He knows that both he and Kakashi have had a bad day. Actually he only guesses that Kakashi had a bad day based on his behavior. When he gets to Iruka's apartment, their apartment as Iruka has come to think of it, Kakashi hardly speaks a word. Iruka spends most of dinner trying to cheer him up or draw him into conversation. Dinner is almost finished when Kakashi snaps at him. This breaks the limit of Iruka's patience as well and so he snaps back. Before Iruka can really register what is happening they are in a full blown heated argument. Instead of fizzling out as their arguments normally do this one only seems to be escalating. Iruka hadn't really realized how just close he and Kakashi had become. The argument makes it clear. They know exactly the words to say to cause the most excruciating pain. It keeps building and building until he is screaming at Kakashi to get out. And when Kakashi doesn't comply right way it only feeds the rage more. Then he is screaming for Kakashi to get out and never come back and somehow even though the rage he knows he should not have said this. Their fight suddenly stops dead in its tracks. Then Kakashi does leave.

Iruka spends the rest of the night and early hours of the morning going back and fourth between guilt and anger. A few times the guilt almost wins out. He almost goes and looks for Kakashi but every time he is really close to leaving the anger rises up again and stops him. In the wee hours of the morning Iruka gives up the fight and falls asleep. When he wakes in the morning Kakashi still hasn't come back. Iruka isn't really surprised though. After all the unforgivable things he said the night before he can't blame Kakashi for not coming back. He doubts Kakshi will ever want to see him again let alone talk to him.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Ok so I originally intended to this to be a two part story but my muse would have none of it. That being said part three is half written and part four is outlined. Unfortunately there is that pesky thing called school that keeps getting in my way I imagine it will be a bit before I can get them finished and posted. Sorry about that. This chapter is also unbetaed so again I apologize profusely for any mistakes. Enjoy!

Searching Part 2

-4

The first time Kakashi really remembers seeing Iruka is at the memorial stone. He is going there to pay his respects and talk to Obito like he does every morning. This time though as he approaches the stone there is already someone there. He guesses the boy is a little bit younger him. He can also tell the boy is crying. Kakashi can't help the stab of jealousy feels and wishes ,just a bit, that he could let himself cry like that. After all the boy is not the only one to lose people with recent events. He wonders for half a moment who the boy has lost that makes him sob with such anguish. A voice that sounds suspiciously like Obito's whispers to Kakashi that he ought to go comfort the boy. He is temped for only half a second before he decides that he can visit the stone later. He walks away leaving the boy to his grief. It isn't until much latter that he finds out the boy he saw that day was Iruka Umino.

-3

The next time he really remembers seeing Iruka is years later in his favorite meadow. It is a meadow that Minato-sensei had shown him. It's strange because Kakashi has gone there for years now and never seen another soul there. His meadow has always been a nice secluded spot to train without being interrupted, so he is more then a little surprised to find it occupied. The boy who he now knows is Iruka Umino is lying on his back in a sunny spot on the lush grass. He seems to be just soaking in the sunlight. Kakashi thinks that he ought to go over and tell the kid to get lost but Iruka looks so comfortable and carefree that he can't bring himself to do such a thing. He tries to remember if there was ever a time where he looked like that but nothing comes to mind. So he sits and watches for a few more moments and then slinks away leaving the boy undisturbed.

-2

Kakashi is going though the apartment quickly and efficiently getting all the things he needs. It has been a week since the fight and they haven't spoken. He figures that if after a week Iruka still doesn't want to talk to him, then it is unlikely that he ever will. He is sure that Iruka doesn't want him anymore. Kakashi knows he is a difficult person, so he can't blame the man. He has always known that Iruka is too good for him and he thinks that Iruka has finally figured it out too. He goes to the apartment when he is sure Iruka will be spending the morning with Konohamaru. Spending Saturday mornings with Konohamaru has been a tradition of Iruka's since before they got together. Kakashi suspects that the tradition started because he couldn't spend the time with Naruto anymore.

Soon the only place left to collect from is the bedroom, the room he has been avoiding. He has spent the whole time steeling himself for this because he knows that this room will be the hardest. The room is full of so many memories. When he finally gets the nerve up to go in, he is stopped dead in his tracks. There on the bed is Iruka, sound asleep. Kakashi has half a moment of panic where he considers running for it. Then he remembers that he is one of the ninja elite and this should be nothing. He decides that if he doesn't do this now he may never be able to get up the nerve to try again, so he moves silently though the room. He is quick and methodical, so soon he has all of his things as well as one or two of Iruka's. Just the things he can't bear to part with like the shirt Iruka used to lend him for mornings after when they were first together. As he goes to leave the room he stops to admire Iruka's sleeping form because this is after all his last chance to see it. Before he can stop himself he is leaning over the bed to drop a feather light kiss on the bridge of Iruka's nose just as he has done what seems like a million times before. Then he flees. He only stops long enough to fortify the wards and traps on Iruka's apartment before he goes. He knows that it really is important for someone who sleeps as heavily as Iruka to have good wards.

-1

It's almost a month after the argument that Kakashi sees Iruka in the meadow that he privately came to think of as their meadow. Iruka is sitting in the sunlight grading papers from the looks of it. Kakashi gets comfortable in a tree out of sight and watches. Iruka glances up from his work from time to time to scan his surroundings. Kakashi wonders briefly if Iruka can sense that he is being watched before deciding that he doesn't care. If he can then Iruka doesn't seem to care either because every time he goes back to grading his papers. Soon it's getting dark and Iruka is gathering his things. Kakashi curses himself when he realizes that he was supposed to meet the Hokage hours ago. Even so, he lingers in the spot Iruka as vacated trying to think up an excuse that he has never used on Tsunade before.

+1

It's well past dark when Kakashi approaches the stone. He has just arrived back in the village after completing a mission. He intends to stop by the memorial stone to say hello to Obito, like he always does. As he gets closer though he sees that someone is already sitting there. The ambient light is just enough for him to tell who it is. He would know Iuka's silhouette anywhere. He wants to turn and walk away but that voice, the same one that whispered to him last time he was in this situation, is screaming at him not to leave. Iruka is sitting with his chin resting on his knees, staring expressionless at the monument. Before Kakashi has given himself permission he is walking toward Iruka saying his name. Iruka's previously vacant face is suddenly so full of emotions that Kakashi can't even begin to read them all. Compared to the dead look of a few moments ago, he thinks that Iruka has never looked more amazing. When Iruka's eyes meet his something in him snaps. Again without permission from himself, he apologizes, and soon other things he swore he'd never say fly out of his mouth. He is begging Iruka to forgive him, to tell him how to make things right. Iruka interrupts him leaving him no choice but to cease his ramblings. At that moment Kakashi thinks that maybe he kind of knows what Iruka must have felt like the day Kakashi first kissed him in the hospital. Like that day, the interruption comes in the form of lips. Iruka's lips are suddenly on his cutting him off. Then the kiss deepens a Kakashi is sure that this is the most amazing thing that he has ever felt.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Well better late then never. I meant to finish my revisions on this before classes started back up this semester but alas that was not to be. Once again this is unbetaed so please forgive any mistakes. Chapter 4 should also be up very shortly.

Searching- Chapter 3

-4

First time that Iruka ever really remembers crying, he was when he was playing out front of his house. He had been swinging on the swing and then jumping off, his favorite game. He knew he shouldn't be doing it. His mother had told him not to a million times but he just couldn't help himself. He loved the feeling of sailing though the air. He imagined that it was the closest he could come to actually flying. So with his limited wisdom he ignored his mother's repeated warnings that he would hurt himself. It was inevitable that he would eventually misjudge a landing. It was really more shock then actual pain, Iruka decides much later, that made him cry that day. He had been not been expecting his rush of joy to shift so quickly to pain. He was lucky in that all he ended with was skinned knees. He also remembers the way that his mother had come running when she heard his wails. He can remember the warm comfort of her arms as she cradled him, inspecting his wounds. He can't recall the exact words she used to calm him but he can recall the warm soothing tone of her voice. In fact he has tried to emulate it a hundred times in his teaching career, to sooth overzealous young pupils who got carried away with training and end up hurt. Though it is a memory of pain it is one that he truly cherishes

-3

He remembers the relentless sobs that shook his entire being after his parents died. He has no idea how many times he cried, so much of the memories of that time have blurred and dulled with grief. He has fogy memories of nights and mornings spent in front of the memorial stone staring at his parents freshly engraved names. He remembers the all consuming misery that bubbled its way out of his eyes at those times.

He can't really pinpoint when he stopped crying about it. All he knows is that one day he found that the memories of them were no longer incapacitating. That he could think about them without completely breaking down. He found that places he thought he could never go again, like his father's favorite meadow, no longer filled him with anguish. Instead he could now go there and it somehow made him feel closer to them. He has always supposed that is the way they would have preferred it.

-2

There was more then one reason to cry on the day of Mizuki's betrayal. Not only had there been the pain of knowing that he had trusted the wrong person but also that Naruto had been hurt because of it. He had always felt that Mizuki was the brother he never had. He assumed that Muzuki confided all of his secrets in him the way he had always confided in Muzuki. He had even thought more recently that perhaps their friendship might grow into more. It had been so long since Iruka had felt truly close to anyone. To know that he had been so utterly wrong about him was agonizing. If the pain of the betrayal wasn't enough to bring tears then the rage was. Iruka is sure that he has never felt so wronged in his life.

Then there was the physical pain. Let's face it; having hunks of metal propelled into your body, with varying degrees of success, is not the most pleasant thing. Add to that the fact that he had to continue the fight when his body was screaming as him to stop made the whole experience that much less pleasant.

Finally there had been the pride and joy because really what else could one feel as they watched all the hard work and struggles of one's student coalesce into something so magnificent. As he watched Naruto appear from the woods to face Mizuki, with no small amount of horror, it quickly became clear to him that Naruto would be okay. In his heart he had sometimes worried the things Mizuki had said might come to pass. He worried that one day the way the villagers had treated him might eventually break the boy. He feared that one day the bitterness and hate might eventually prove too much even for the strong spirited boy. To see him, all of him, stand against Mizuki determined and strong filled him up with an indescribable joy. He had felt the darkness of all his worries evaporate in Nauto's blinding light. He knew in that moment that he was getting a glimpse of the greatness that he is sure only the Third Hokage had guessed at.

So really in light of all of that it is no wonder he shed a few tears that day.

-1

The next time he cried he couldn't really be blamed either. In that case too there had been a compounding of events that made the tears flow. Iruka had always been the type of person who rarely got sick but when he did eventually fall prey to some sickness it was never a simple cold. That morning it so happened was one of those rare occasions. Having no choice but to cancel his customary Saturday plans with Konohamaru he had listened guiltily as Konohamaru had tried to dismiss it as nothing with the disappointment thick in his voice as a direct contradiction. He had then taken the strongest cold medicine he could find and crawled back into bed. As if the day had not been going bad enough he had woken sometime after lunch to find that while he was out someone had come in and cleaned out all of Kakashi's things. He assumed that is was Kakashi himself given the fact that whoever had done it came and went without setting off a single trap (and as he checked he found perplexed that there were some traps he didn't even remember setting). There was also the fact that whoever it was had done such a thorough job of removing every trace of Kakashi's presence. He doubted that anyone other than the man himself could do such a superb job of erasing Kakashi so entirely from the apartment. It was worse knowing that Kakashi had been so close and he had slept though what was probably his last chance to change Kakashi's mind. To convince him that he was not the horrible, disgusting person he was sure Kakashi thought him to be. As he walked though the apartment cataloging every empty space, every absence, he felt the apartment grow increasingly colder. By the end his once warm and comfortable home seemed to transform into an empty and alien space. Once he was sure that there was nothing left, not a misplaced lone sock under the couch, not a hint of Kakashi's lingering scent, he cried.

+1

He is at the missions desk when he hears someone mention in passing that Kakashi is now two days late returning from his latest solo mission and there has been no word from him. He feels his heart stop and the breath leave his chest. It takes what seems an eternity to make his frozen being respond again. When he is sure that no one is paying attention he finds the details of said mission and feels the terror creep up on him as he reads. Surely the fact that Kakashi has failed to return after such a dangerous mission can only mean one thing. He tries not to think about it. He tries not to imagine all the horrible things that could have gone wrong. He tries not to let the worry overtake him but as the third day passes he can tell from the concerned glances he is receiving that he is not succeeding. He is not sure exactly what compels him to go to the stone that night but as he sits in front of it he tries to imagine what it would look like if Kakashi's name was added to the stone. He tries to imagine what his life would be like if hw never saw Kakashi but he can't. It is like the idea is so agonizing, it won't even compute. He thinks that at a moment like this he ought to be crying but the tears won't come. The pain of the idea is so excruciating that instead of trying to process the idea his mind just completely shuts it out.

When he hears Kakashi's voice call our form behind him there is a moment where he thinks he has finally lost it. He is sure he must be imagining or hallucinating it, so he doesn't turn to look. Then Kakashi is there next to him too solid to be imagined. While Iruka knows that he is speaking and from the tone of his voice what he is saying is urgent, Iruka can't comprehend. All he knows is that Kakashi is there in front of him safe and sound looking apparently unharmed. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks that maybe now is the proper time to cry but he is just too shocked and overwhelmed. There is too much going on to process it all. That is probably why it comes as a surprise to find that he is kissing Kakashi fervently. Even more astounding is that Kakashi is kissing back with equal fervor. In that moment Iruka decides once again that nothing else matters.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: See when I said it would be up shortly I meant it. As of right now I have no plans to write anything else on this story bit who knows? I'd like to apologize for how long it took me to finish these two chapters. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me. Let me also thank all those who reviewed. It is nice to know that someone out there enjoys what I have written. I'd also just like to say this chapter is by far the most fun I have had writing in a long time. I actually finished it before I even considered writing chapter 3. After it was done I felt that I need something else from Iruka's POV. I decided to wait and post this as chapter 4 when I realized that chapter 3 would be kind of heavy. I decided I want to end on the light note of this chapter. As always it is unbetaed. Enjoy!

Searching- Chapter 4

-4

Kakashi waits two days before he decides that the Hokage must be informed. He knew from the moment he met the man that something wasn't quite right but he decided to give the man the benefit of the doubt. After all the ninja did have an excellent reputation. He never suspected that a man that was so clearly out of his right mind would be allowed out of the village on missions. He wasn't sure how the man could have possibly fooled so many people. At first he thought that it must be an act, that it was part of some sort of test. As the second day progressed it became clear that it wasn't. When the man told him how cute he is when he pouts that was really the last straw. Everyone knows that of the various words used to describe members of the Hatake clan, cute isn't one of them. Plus the man must have been having hallucinations, delusions, or something because Hatakes don't pout. So he felt it was his duty to the village to inform the Hokage that Konohana's Yellow Flash is very obviously mentally disturbed.

When he finally gets to see the Hokage he gravely informs the man of the sad news. When the Hokage ask why he would say that, he recounts with horror how his new sensei dragged him to the park to play. He then continues on to explain his sensei's ludicrous insistence that Kakashi "loosen up" and all of the horrible jokes his sensei has been lavishing on him in the hope of getting "just a little laugh". He also tells the Hokage the thing he said about the pout. It is so clearly proof of insanity. Kakashi is shocked and heartily offended when the Hokage sends him away saying that he will get used to his new sensei's quirks and he shouldn't worry.

-3

It doesn't really surprise him that she is crazy too. After all she voluntarily spends time with his sensei so something must be wrong with her as well. Still she doesn't hide her instability as well as his sensei can. At times his sensei at least makes an effort to appear sound of mind but this woman puts up no such pretense. Kakashi had first met her when she ambushed Minato- sensei in the street. She had ranted at him there for a good five minutes before she finally seemed to notice him standing at his sensei's side. After that her entire demeanor shifted in an instant, her anger suddenly forgotten. When she had invited them to diner he thought maybe her sudden shift was a clever ploy to put his sensei off guard so that she could poison his food. However, after only a few minutes sitting together at the table the truth became clear. She was off her rocker just like his sensei. If there was one thing that Kakashi had learned in his short time as the Yellow Flash's pupil, it was not to try arguing with a crazy person. However when the women, Kushina, ordered him a bowl of ramen he couldn't stop himself. He tried to logically explain to her the complete lack of nutritional value in it but he ought to have known better. The women would not be convinced. They argued the nutritional merit of ramen till the food arrived at which point Kushina said that ramen was delicious as if ended the argument. So, knowing that he would never change her delusional mind, Kakashi dug into his meal with a defeated sigh. As Kakashi chewed he had to admit that while all of his points were completely valid, ramen was truly delicious. Not that he would say that out loud.

-2

Gai is another one of those people who doesn't try to pretend that he is sane. Kakashi had been annoyed at first that the head case had decided to fixate on him. Indeed, he had spent the first few months of their acquaintance bemoaning the fact that the mentally unstable seemed to be attracted to him like flies to honey. Still he can't help but admire Gai just a little bit as he makes his way around the perimeter of the village for the 324th time doings back-handsprings while listing off the periodic table of elements.

-1

He can't say that he is surprised to find out that Naruto is completely wacko. He has heard enough of the rumors and stories to expect it. Besides with parents like his how could Kakashi have expected anything less? He was a little disappointed to find that Sakura is just as far gone as Naruto. Still he is not all that surprised. While Sakura was most certainly smart she was also a preteen girl so it goes without saying that she would be unbalanced. Sasuke on the other hand is a surprise. While he is not as apparently insane as the others, Sasuke's kind of insanity is much more concerning. Kakashi has discovered that to choose the life of a shinobi there has to be at least a few screws loose in a person's brain. Some of the best ninja, like Jiraiya-sama, had more than a few screws that were completely missing all together. Still, Sasuke's brand of insanity was the consuming kind. The kind that if left unchecked could be damaging to more than just one's self. Kakashi knows he will have his work cut out for him but he thinks that if they all work hard just maybe he might be able to make decent shinobi out of them yet.

+1

He is lying in bed with Iruka sound asleep beside him when it hits him. He has always suspected that Iruka might be just a little bit crazy and it hits him that now he has definitive proof. His suspicions have always had a solid foundation in the fact that Iruka voluntarily spent his time teaching children and even going so far as to spend time with them even when it wasn't entirely necessary. Still, other than his unfathomable fondness for children and his mother hen tendencies, he always seemed pretty rational. But the fact that they are laying together now proves that he is a lunatic. Who in their right mind would say they love him and mean it? As Iruka moves in his sleep, burrowing in closer to him, Kakashi decides that maybe being crazy isn't so bad after all.


End file.
